THINGS I’VE SEEN AND
G. Tharp, Ph.D.
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author.. Scripture quotations identified KJV are from the
Hebrew-Greek Key Word Study Bible, King James Version. Copyright
1984, 1991 by AMG International, INC and the Living Bible Copyright
1971,1986 by Tyndale House Publishers INC
The Tharp Family
3982 Green Forest
Smyrna, Georgia 30082
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Funny Things Dads Say
If you are now, or have
ever been a Pastor, you will certainly be keenly aware of the fact
that whether it is dealing with senior citizens, adults, teenagers,
juniors or the kinder garden, in the Church world there should be
nothing which will surprise you!
*A kindergarten teacher
was walking around observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing pictures. As she got to a four year old girl who was
working diligently, she asked her what the subject of her drawing
Without looking up, the
girl replied; “I'm drawing God.” The teacher paused and said;
“But honey, no one knows what God looks like!”
Again, without looking
up from her drawing, the girl replied; “They will in a minute!”
*The secret of a good
sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the
two as close together as possible. -- George Burns
*A Sunday school
teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to
Church; “And why is it necessary to be quiet in Church?”
Annie replied, “Because
people are sleeping!”
*At Sunday School they
were learning how God created everything, including human beings.
Johnny was especially intent when the teacher told him how Eve was
created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his
mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said;
“Johnny, what is the matter?”
Johnny responded; “I
have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.”
*It was Palm Sunday but
because of a sore throat, five year old Johnny stayed home from
Church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were
carrying several palm fronds. Out of childish curiosity, Johnny
asked them what they were for?
“People held them
over Jesus' head as he walked by!” His father told him.
“Wouldn't you know
it,” Johnny fumed; “the one Sunday I don't go to Church and He
*An engineer dies and
reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and not
seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't
take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the
level of comfort in Hell.
He soon begins to
design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air
conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the
engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls
Satan and says; “So, how are things in Hell?”
Satan replies; “Hey,
things are going great here! We've got air conditioning, flush
toilets and escalators, thanks to that engineer you sent us! There's
no telling what he is going to come up with next!”
exclaims; “You've got an engineer? That had to be a mistake! He
should never have been sent to Hell, send him back to me!”
“Not a chance,”
Satan replies; “I like having an engineer on the staff and I'm
God insists; “Send
him back or I'll sue.”
uproariously and answers; “Yeah, right! And where are you going to
get a lawyer?”
*Two boys were walking
home from Church after hearing a strong sermon on the devil. One said
to the other; “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”
The other boy replied;
“Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your
*Moses as a lifeguard
Sign in front of Church reading; “Hell freezing over!”
*One Easter Sunday
morning as the Pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached
into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg
and asked the children; “What's in here?”
“I know, I know!” a
little boy exclaimed; “pantyhose!”
preacher was suppose to hold a graveside burial service at a pauper's
cemetery for an indigent man with no family or friends. Not knowing
where the cemetery was, he made several wrong turns and got lost.
When he eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in
sight, the backhoe was next to the open hole, and the workmen were
sitting under a tree eating lunch.
The diligent young
Pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in
place. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an
impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great
beyond in style.
As he returned to his
car, he overheard one of the workman say to the other; “I've been
putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen
anything like that!”
*Several children found
a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they
secured a small box and some cotton batting, dug a hole in the back
yard, and made ready to dispose of the deceased.
The minister's five
year old son was chosen to say the prayer. And so with great dignity,
he intoned; “Glory be to the Father...and unto the Son...and into
the hole he goes!”
grandparents, a small boy opened the big family Bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something
fell out. He picked it up and found that it was an old leaf that had
been pressed flat between the pages; “Mama, look what I found!”
he called out.
“What have you got
there, dear?” his mother asked. With astonishment in his voice, the
boy answered; “I think it's Adam's underwear!”
*Two beggars are
sitting on a park bench in Ireland. One is holding a cross and the
other a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect
contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the
Star of David and drop money into the hat of the man with the cross.
Soon, the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the
man with the Star of David is empty.
A Priest watches for a
while and then approaches the men. He says to the man with the Star
of David, “Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country?
You'll never get any contributions holding a Star of David!”
The man turns to the
one with the cross and says, “Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is
trying to tell us how to run our business?”
*A Pastor I know has a
standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he uses
the find and replace command on his computer to replace the name of
the deceased from the previous funeral with the new name.
The next morning, the
funeral was going smoothly until the Apostle's Creed. “Jesus
Christ,” the congregation read from the program, “born of the
*Muldoon lived alone in
the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the
dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father,
me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick replied;
“I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the
Church, but there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no
tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
Muldoon said; “I'll
go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them
for the service?”
exclaimed; “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why did ya' not tell me
the dog was Catholic?”
*Centuries ago, God
came down, went to the Germans and said; “I have Commandments that
will help you live better lives.”
The Germans ask; “What
And the Lord says;
“Rules for living.”
“Can you give us an
God says; “Thou shalt
“Not kill? We're not
So God went to the
Italians and said; “I have Commandments”
The Italians wanted an
example and the Lord said; “Thou shalt not steal.”
“Not steal? We're
Next the Lord went to
the French saying; “I have Commandments”
The French wanted an
example and the Lord said; “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's
And the French were
God then went to the
Jews and said; “I have Commandments”
said the Jews; “How much are they?”
“We'll take 10!”
*The Sunday School
teacher was describing that when Lot's wife looked back at Sodom she
turned into a pillar of salt, when Bobby interrupted; “My mommy
looked back once while she was driving,” he announced, “and she
turned into a telephone pole!”*Another Sunday School teacher said
to her children; “We have been learning about how powerful the
kings and queens were in Biblical times. But there is a higher power.
Who can tell me what it is?” Tommy blurted out! “I know, I Know!
*After explaining the
commandment to honor your father and mother, a Sunday School teacher
asked her class if there was a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters.
One boy, the oldest in
his family, immediately answered; “Thou shalt not kill.”
*Lot again... A father
was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read; “The man named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his
wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt.” His son
asked; “What happened to the flea?”
*A Priest and a Rabbi
are in a car crash and it was a bad one. Both of their cars are
demolished but amazingly neither one of them is hurt. After they
crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi says; “So you're a Priest.
That's interesting; I'm a Rabbi. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace.”
The Priest replies;
“Oh, yes, I agree that it's a miracle that we survived and are here
“And here's another
miracle!” says the Rabbi.
“My car is destroyed
but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink
the wine and celebrate our good fortune?” He says, handing the
bottle to the Priest.
The Priest nods in
agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it, and hands it back to
The Rabbi takes it and
puts the cap back on.
“Aren't you going to
have any? asks the Priest.
“Not right now,”
says the Rabbi; “I think I'll wait until after the police make
*Two Priests die at the
same time and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says;
“I'd like to get you guys in now but our computers are down. You'll
have to go back to earth for about a week, but you can't go back as
humans, so what will it be?"
The first Priest says;
“I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky
“So be it!” says
St. Peter, and off flies the first Priest.
The second Priest mulls
this over for a moment and asks; “Will you be keeping track of us,
St. Peter ?”
“No, I told you the
computer is down. There's no way we can keep track of what you are
doing. This week is a freebie.”
“In that case,”
says the second Priest; “I have always wanted to be a stud.”
“So be it!” says
St. Peter, and the second Priest disappears.
A week goes by, the
computer is fixed and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two
“Will you have
trouble locating them?” He asks.
“The first one should
be easy,” says St. Peter. “He's somewhere over the Rocky
Mountains, flying with the eagles, but the second one could prove to
be more difficult.”
“Why?” asks the
“Because he is on a
snow tire somewhere in Alaska.”
*Three boys are in the
school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says; “My
Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem and
they give him $25.”
The second boy says;
“That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a song, and they give him $200.”
The third boy says; “I
got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight men to collect all the
A Time to
A Pastor prayed a
prayer for me and gave us quite a scare,
Although the family
disagreed, I know he was sincere
Just keep my brother
healthy, Lord, until it’s time to go,
Help them travel
safely, whether it’s in rain or snow,
and Lord when it come
time for him to soar to his reward,
Just let him sing a
final song, the family in accord.
Oh Lord you know their
travels cover quite a sphere,
These folks are in
great demand, so many do revere!
But when the final day
comes, for him to take his prize,
Just take him driving
that old bus, when off to you he flies!
Well, you could hear a
pin drop as the team did recognize,
That bus just cannot
drive itself, and they did fantasize!
How would they ere get
me, from behind the steering wheel?
Though at 70 miles an
hour we change a drivers, no big deal!
But you should see the
bruises as they practice what to do,
They yank me from the
seat, never mind I’m eighty-two!
If they don’t ever
get the hang of practicing on me,
I’m not sure I’ll
be around on birthday eighty-three!
By Martin G. Tharp,
from Church Bulletins:
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