Excerpt for More, More, More Things I've Seen and Stories I've Heard by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

MORE THINGS I’VE SEEN AND

STORIES I’VE HEARD





By Martin G. Tharp, Ph.D.

Copyright © 2017





Smashwords Edition, License Notes; This ebook is licensed for your own personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this ebook with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.. Scripture quotations identified KJV are from the Hebrew-Greek Key Word Study Bible, King James Version. Copyright 1984, 1991 by AMG International, INC and the Living Bible Copyright 1971,1986 by Tyndale House Publishers INC





Available from:

The Tharp Family Ministries

3982 Green Forest Parkway

Smyrna, Georgia 30082

INTERNET:

www.tharpministries.com

EMAIL:

tha7min@bellsouth.net





Table Of Contents



1. Church Anomalies

2. Church Bulletins

3. 44 More Church Bulletins

4. Church Bloopers in The Bulletin

5. Things You Should Never Say To A Pastor

6. Family Stories

7. Odd Stories

8. Hodgepodge

9.14 Things My Mother Taught Me

10. A Plethora Of Odd Tales

11. It All Depends On Your Point Of View

12. Adolescent Wisdom

13. The Adolescent Point Of View

14. Religious Trivia

Epilogue- Funny Things Dads Say





Chapter One


Church Anomalies



If you are now, or have ever been a Pastor, you will certainly be keenly aware of the fact that whether it is dealing with senior citizens, adults, teenagers, juniors or the kinder garden, in the Church world there should be nothing which will surprise you!


*A kindergarten teacher was walking around observing her classroom of children while they were drawing pictures. As she got to a four year old girl who was working diligently, she asked her what the subject of her drawing was.

Without looking up, the girl replied; “I'm drawing God.” The teacher paused and said; “But honey, no one knows what God looks like!”

Again, without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied; “They will in a minute!”


*The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns


*A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to Church; “And why is it necessary to be quiet in Church?”

Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping!”


*At Sunday School they were learning how God created everything, including human beings. Johnny was especially intent when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said; “Johnny, what is the matter?”

Johnny responded; “I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.”


*It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, five year old Johnny stayed home from Church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Out of childish curiosity, Johnny asked them what they were for?

“People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by!” His father told him.

“Wouldn't you know it,” Johnny fumed; “the one Sunday I don't go to Church and He shows up.”


*An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.

He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says; “So, how are things in Hell?”

Satan replies; “Hey, things are going great here! We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, thanks to that engineer you sent us! There's no telling what he is going to come up with next!”

“What!” God exclaims; “You've got an engineer? That had to be a mistake! He should never have been sent to Hell, send him back to me!”

“Not a chance,” Satan replies; “I like having an engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him!”

God insists; “Send him back or I'll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers; “Yeah, right! And where are you going to get a lawyer?”

*Two boys were walking home from Church after hearing a strong sermon on the devil. One said to the other; “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”

The other boy replied; “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad!”

*Moses as a lifeguard Sign in front of Church reading; “Hell freezing over!”

*One Easter Sunday morning as the Pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children; “What's in here?”

“I know, I know!” a little boy exclaimed; “pantyhose!”


*An inexperienced preacher was suppose to hold a graveside burial service at a pauper's cemetery for an indigent man with no family or friends. Not knowing where the cemetery was, he made several wrong turns and got lost. When he eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the backhoe was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.

The diligent young Pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say to the other; “I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that!”


*Several children found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they secured a small box and some cotton batting, dug a hole in the back yard, and made ready to dispose of the deceased.

The minister's five year old son was chosen to say the prayer. And so with great dignity, he intoned; “Glory be to the Father...and unto the Son...and into the hole he goes!”


*Visiting his grandparents, a small boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out. He picked it up and found that it was an old leaf that had been pressed flat between the pages; “Mama, look what I found!” he called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked. With astonishment in his voice, the boy answered; “I think it's Adam's underwear!”


*Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Ireland. One is holding a cross and the other a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money into the hat of the man with the cross. Soon, the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

A Priest watches for a while and then approaches the men. He says to the man with the Star of David, “Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions holding a Star of David!”

The man turns to the one with the cross and says, “Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?”


*A Pastor I know has a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he uses the find and replace command on his computer to replace the name of the deceased from the previous funeral with the new name.

The next morning, the funeral was going smoothly until the Apostle's Creed. “Jesus Christ,” the congregation read from the program, “born of the Virgin Edna...”


*Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?”

Father Patrick replied; “I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the Church, but there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature!”

Muldoon said; “I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”

Father Patrick exclaimed; “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why did ya' not tell me the dog was Catholic?”


*Centuries ago, God came down, went to the Germans and said; “I have Commandments that will help you live better lives.”

The Germans ask; “What are Commandments?”

And the Lord says; “Rules for living.”

“Can you give us an example?”

God says; “Thou shalt not kill.”

“Not kill? We're not interested.”

So God went to the Italians and said; “I have Commandments”

The Italians wanted an example and the Lord said; “Thou shalt not steal.”

“Not steal? We're not interested.”

Next the Lord went to the French saying; “I have Commandments”

The French wanted an example and the Lord said; “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife.”

And the French were not interested.

God then went to the Jews and said; “I have Commandments”

“Commandments?” said the Jews; “How much are they?”

“They're free.”

“We'll take 10!”


*The Sunday School teacher was describing that when Lot's wife looked back at Sodom she turned into a pillar of salt, when Bobby interrupted; “My mommy looked back once while she was driving,” he announced, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”*Another Sunday School teacher said to her children; “We have been learning about how powerful the kings and queens were in Biblical times. But there is a higher power. Who can tell me what it is?” Tommy blurted out! “I know, I Know! Aces!”


*After explaining the commandment to honor your father and mother, a Sunday School teacher asked her class if there was a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters.

One boy, the oldest in his family, immediately answered; “Thou shalt not kill.”


*Lot again... A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read; “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt.” His son asked; “What happened to the flea?”


*A Priest and a Rabbi are in a car crash and it was a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither one of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi says; “So you're a Priest. That's interesting; I'm a Rabbi. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace.”

The Priest replies; “Oh, yes, I agree that it's a miracle that we survived and are here together.”

“And here's another miracle!” says the Rabbi.

“My car is destroyed but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine and celebrate our good fortune?” He says, handing the bottle to the Priest.

The Priest nods in agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it, and hands it back to the Rabbi.

The Rabbi takes it and puts the cap back on.

“Aren't you going to have any? asks the Priest.

“Not right now,” says the Rabbi; “I think I'll wait until after the police make their report.”


*Two Priests die at the same time and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says; “I'd like to get you guys in now but our computers are down. You'll have to go back to earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans, so what will it be?"

The first Priest says; “I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.”

“So be it!” says St. Peter, and off flies the first Priest.

The second Priest mulls this over for a moment and asks; “Will you be keeping track of us, St. Peter ?”

“No, I told you the computer is down. There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing. This week is a freebie.”

“In that case,” says the second Priest; “I have always wanted to be a stud.”

“So be it!” says St. Peter, and the second Priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two Priests.

“Will you have trouble locating them?” He asks.

“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He's somewhere over the Rocky Mountains, flying with the eagles, but the second one could prove to be more difficult.”

“Why?” asks the Lord.

“Because he is on a snow tire somewhere in Alaska.”


*Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says; “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem and they give him $25.”

The second boy says; “That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $200.”

The third boy says; “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight men to collect all the money!”





A Time to Die?


A Pastor prayed a prayer for me and gave us quite a scare,

Although the family disagreed, I know he was sincere

Just keep my brother healthy, Lord, until it’s time to go,

Help them travel safely, whether it’s in rain or snow,

and Lord when it come time for him to soar to his reward,

Just let him sing a final song, the family in accord.

Oh Lord you know their travels cover quite a sphere,

These folks are in great demand, so many do revere!

But when the final day comes, for him to take his prize,

Just take him driving that old bus, when off to you he flies!

Well, you could hear a pin drop as the team did recognize,

That bus just cannot drive itself, and they did fantasize!

How would they ere get me, from behind the steering wheel?

Though at 70 miles an hour we change a drivers, no big deal!

But you should see the bruises as they practice what to do,

They yank me from the seat, never mind I’m eighty-two!

If they don’t ever get the hang of practicing on me,

I’m not sure I’ll be around on birthday eighty-three!

By Martin G. Tharp, PhD.





Chapter Two


Church Bulletins



Actual Announcements from Church Bulletins:


* Coming Up—Theological Open House. We discuss thought-provoking topics. Your opinions are hardly welcome.


* All singles are invited to join us Friday at 7 p.m. for the annual Christmas Sing-alone."


* Thursday night – potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.


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